Aug 10

Aug 10 Coronavirus Wedding Diary - We Got Married During Covid-19

Getting married during the Covid-19 pandemic was, in a word, weird. It was a bubble of pure love and joy and happiness embedded in a casing of anxiety, fear, sickness, and panic. (Anyone else think that could be a bonus lyric in Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic” - “Marrying the man of your dreams, in the middle of a pandemic. Isn’t this nice?”) I felt a mix of heart-swelling contentment and pure shame - people are dying, folks are out of work, many are in isolation and haven’t had human contact in weeks, and here we are congregating and having a wedding. It was a rollercoaster ride of big, valid emotions - more so than a wedding can already be, sans global pandemic, and one that took me a few months to wrap my head around.

Here’s some quick back story - Tristan (my now husband) and I met via Craigslist. We were roommates in a house with two other people, then suddenly we were a new couple that was living together alone in a new solo apartment within a couple days of our first date. We lived in that apartment for a year, moved to another apartment for another year and then bought a house together. Although we both still believe that a joint mortgage was a huge commitment in itself, we decided to take it one step further and get married. We got engaged in September while we were on a trip to Dallas - he proposed after I had just gotten a long-dreamed of and saved-for facial at a spa that my friend/cousin-in-law Chesley and I had been planning for ages. Of course, having just come out of the facial, I had no make-up, my face was rubbed raw, and I was wearing a bathrobe - and there are pictures to prove it! And I wouldn’t change it for the world; I still get giddy remembering that day, and the awesome dinner - and cocktails, and wine - that we had with our cousins afterwards.

Our wedding was booked for May 2020 in Palm Beach, Florida, so it wasn’t a long engagement - just a few months after the proposal. It wasn’t going to be overly fancy or fussy or hyper detail-oriented - I have always believed (and, as a divorcee who had already had a wedding, I actually know for a fact) that the tiny little details like napkin color schemes and monogram everything and random little flair will soon be forgotten - all you’ll remember about your own wedding, and all your guests will remember, is the dancing and drinking.

EXPECTATION:

THE GUESTLIST: We invited about 150 people; our final guest list was just over 100, with more RSVPs expected until…Covid-19 wedding-crashed mid-March.

THE INVITES: I made the invites (step-by-step DIY coming to the blog soon!) and it was a lot of work but I just loved them so much! It was a white-and-green palm leaf themed invite on a brown Kraft paper background, tied with a piece of twine and then finished off with a long wooden toothpick/cocktail stirrer with a pineapple on top. (Seriously, I cannot wait to share the DIY, it was a lot of fun to make and I saved so much money! Definitely in the hundreds, and my friends loved the invites, one of them posted it on Insta and said they were the “coolest looking wedding invite” she ever got.)

THE LOCATION: We were going to have a morning ceremony, led by a rabbi, at an beachside hotel on the south side of Palm Beach, on the patio overlooking the ocean. The ceremony would be followed by a brunch reception with a Spanish guitarist in a beautiful room with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the beach. Then, there’d be a few hours for a break/naps/swimming, and then an evening cocktail party at a different hotel in downtown PB, so our guests could get nouveau beach vibes and the more iconic, old-school Palm Beach-proper experience. I had fun surprises, a DJ, and beautiful cakes, donuts, mini key lime pies, and amazing drinks planned.

THE DRESS(ES): I had a dress for the ceremony and reception - frilly, a healthy amount of cleavage, an appliquéd and tulle-bedecked confection that despite the super-feminine elements skewed a little more Cher than Grace Kelly. Then, for the evening party, I had a second dress, an off-the-shoulder Cushnie et Ochs dress with puff sleeves that I couldn’t wait to dance in. I splurged on strappy Jimmy Choo sandals because I really wanted something designer for “that” photo - you know the one that every basic betch has of her shoes and jewelry on a pristine, down-filled bedspread just waiting to be donned by a loving Mother-of-the-Bride and a helpful bridesmaid.

HAIR/MAKEUP: I was going to get my hair blown out the night before at the hotel spa, and then have my makeup down in the morning at the hotel as well. I really hate that caked on, glamazon bride look - it’s so unnatural, I want to look like me in the photographs. Plus, it would cost WAY less than hiring a professional to come to the hotel and jack up the price, but it still involved no more travel than just riding down an elevator.

THE WEDDING PARTY: We each chose three friends, and none were designated “of honor” - we love everyone the same!

THE REALIZATION…

The rooms were blocked at each location, and almost all of the 100+ guests had already booked by the time the pandemic hit in March. A few prescient friends and family members were calling and texting: “Do you have a backup plan for the wedding?” and “So…do you think the wedding will be affected by this?” I was so certain this would be a two-week thing and we’d be back to normal. “Psh, it’s still like 2 months away! It’s not going to be affected by this.” Still, I called each of the venues to see what they were thinking, and they were still planning to go ahead with all their bookings - it is Florida we’re talking about here, love it there but they do tend to be a little less-than-cautious, to put it gently. And frankly, I don’t think anyone here in the US was really grasping how serious this would be. I think we naively thought that by the time it trickled to our continent, we’d have a ton of information, understanding, and a vaccine.

Sometime in mid-April, we finally told the venues that we just weren’t doing it. Both of them were cool with it, and gave us a new date in May 2021, so we can celebrate our One Year Anniversary with a vow renewal instead of a traditional wedding.

REALITY:

Instead, as we all know by now, Americans have more or less fumbled blindly through the pandemic (and are still doing so) politicizing mask-wearing, scrubbing shopping cart handles with antibacterial wipes, opening doors with our elbows, and trying to smile at each other behind masks as we more or less continue to live a mostly normal life, but one that now includes fear of our older relatives dying because we went to a beer garden.

So, let me tell you what the wedding actually was like.

THE GUESTLIST: Around 20 people - our siblings, their partners, and some aunts and uncles on my side of the family; Tristan’s family lives in the south and in England. One pod - an uncle, aunt and my cousin - didn’t feel comfortable coming since 2/3 of them work in the medical field and needed to strictly observe quarantine. I also invited my best friend, so she was the only non-family member that was in attendance.

THE INVITES: I texted everyone a couple weeks in advance that we were planning on getting married on our original wedding date, May 9, outdoors (weather permitting) at my mom’s house, where I grew up. It was actually pretty easy because at least I knew that none of them would have any conflicting plans! I kept in touch with everyone in the few days leading up because the weather was randomly freezing (45 degrees) on May 9th but much warmer (65 degrees) just one day later on Sunday, May 10th, so we switched dates mid-week. Again, no issues - what else was anyone doing that day, or any day during this pandemic…

THE LOCATION: My mom’s backyard! The childhood home where I grew up, where my brother and I did laps around the backyard in a go-cart, where we raised chickens - before Neiman Marcus started selling $100,000 chicken coops and just like that poultry-raising became boujie. The backyard is beautiful, and backs right up to the woods. In early May, it was bright green and fragrant with lilac. We found Rabbi Rayzel Raphael via The Knot a couple weeks prior. She was willing to come out for a socially-distanced wedding, and she rushed us through what otherwise would have been a months-long orientation process with a pre-marital questionnaire and all!

THE DRESS(ES): I wore the more casual of my two dresses; I’ll still plan to save the more frouffy one for the big wedding, if and when that happens. I don’t really remember what shoes I wore, but I do know they had to have a chunkier heel so as not to dig into the lawn and trip me up. I ended up returning the pricy designer shoes (unworn) thanks to Bloomingdales generous 6-month return policy; they were just sitting in my closet unworn and I felt like I’d rather have the cash than waiting a whole year to wear them.

HAIR/MAKEUP: I gave my hair a shitty trim the night before, and the day of, I did my own hair and makeup in the only style that I know how - a cat-eye, dark pink lips, and pin-straight hair.

THE WEDDING PARTY: None. Our puppy walked me down the aisle, and my dad joined in via FaceTime from Mexico.

THE GOOD:

There was so much that I actually loved about it and that I wouldn’t change even if the circumstances had been normal, and some things ended up being even better than at what would have been our “real” wedding. Suddenly, without worrying about the pressure to be/look/act perfect we could just enjoy ourselves and a day outdoors with family.

It was small and so unfussy. Everything was flexible. We moved the wedding by one day just a couple days beforehand because of the weather, and it was such a non-issue. First of all, our guests had nothing else to do because #pandemic. Second of all, there was no “team” - no caterer, venue, musicians, planned, etc. There was a photographer and a rabbi, but they were also flexible as there’s not exactly back-to-back bookings right now.
We got to set up a couple days in advance. We didn’t have a wedding planner or anything for our “real” Florida wedding, so all the things like tabletop decor, guest books, favors, a spread of photographs of ourselves with our friends and family members from the past three decades - all that would have had to be set up by us, our parents, or some helpful friends the morning of the wedding.
Our new puppy got to be there. Hazel even walked me down the aisle - until she got distracted by something and adorably scuttled away. She popped back in later for the circle ceremony, though, where Tristan and I circled each other three times, and then three times together, and she definitely stole the show.
There was lots of fun banter throughout the ceremony. There was a section where we honored the loved ones that had passed away, and I of course included our family dog, Portia. When it came time to give her a little shout out, I jumped in to point out the spot in the backyard where she was buried and everyone said “Awww! Portia!” That definitely wouldn’t have happened hundreds of miles away in Florida!

It was so DIY, and that was totally fine! My brother built the huppa, I did the flower arrangements and made my own bouquet, I did my hair and makeup (obviously), I even cut Tristan and my hair the night before.
I get to revisit our wedding site any time I want to. Our huppa is still up, so now every time I go visit my mom and step-dad at their house, I see it and remember that awesome day!

THE BAD AND THE UGLY:

One thing I didn’t expect? The crippling guilt that kept me up all night after the wedding. I got into bed after the wedding still on Cloud 9, but as I lay there, all I could think about was the fact that we had just put ourselves and our families in literal grave danger. What if one of us was exposed to Covid-19 and passed it along to my mom, for example, or an elderly aunt. They’d essentially die for my wedding. I went over the list in my mind - the rabbi, the photographer, I had endangered them just so we could have the semblance of normalcy or a wedding that we somehow felt we deserved, even as the death toll was ticking along in the hundreds of thousands.

It was really hard for us to not hug and kiss. So hard, in fact, that we did all hug and kiss. To be fair, I did not initiate, but when parents and siblings came in for a hug and said “c’mon, it’s your wedding!” we did it. What if that was the hug that would give them a deadly, lung-destroying virus?

From there, I spiraled - it feels so bad that this is the current state of affairs; a hug could send me into a cyclone of anxiety where I would be justified to worry about my loved ones dying.

I missed all the friends and relatives that weren’t able to come, and until now (three-ish months later) I haven’t felt like I could share, or wanted to share, photos of the day because of my guilt and for fear of being judged for even having a wedding. One of my friends told me that it’s actually a mitzvah (Hebrew for “a good deed or a favor”) to have a wedding to bring some joy into a scary and dark time. I like that approach, but I can’t help flipping between pride and happiness and guilt and remorse.

I also ended up basically flipping out at the photographer for sharing a photo from our wedding on his Instagram account. First of all, I hated the image - it was nothing to do with his skill as a photographer, but rather the feelings that the photo evoked in me, feelings I really was not expecting, even despite the post-wedding panic attack and guilt-sesh. The photo was a pose that the photographer had suggested, and in the excitement of the moment I was like “sure, why not?” It was an image of me and Tristan, wearing masks, seated in the lawn a few feet apart but holding hands. It makes it so glaringly obvious that we are in a time right now where human contact is in and of itself a dangerous weapon, and I guess it made me see myself as a weapon, a contaminant, and also as a potentially very sick person. Right or wrong, I freaked out and almost ruined a relationship with an artist that I really respect and enjoy being around. Luckily, he understood and we got to have a long phone conversation about it, but I still felt anxious and fearful, and then silly for feeling that way, and I felt like a bridezilla. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to adequately explain the heartbreak of seeing the people closest to me in the entire world all standing apart with our mouths covered lest we breath the same air. It’s truly unreal.

Ultimately, though, I decided to publish all these feelings - the good, the bad and the ugly - here on my website because while all of us cannot wait for this to be over, we may want to remember these little details when this is all safely in our rearview mirrors. I might laugh at some of this stuff, or I might mentally shake Past Renata for being such a reckless fool.

Who knows? But it’s important to remember and to write about the ways in which we all try to hold onto our humanity and cocoon ourselves in our realities and our little worlds, and how those little worlds fit into the bigger world we all share. I hope to learn that others have felt a similar way, or to come across a story from someone that has a better method for coping that I can adopt, and I hope to maybe even be a guide for anyone that is going through this themselves to know that what they or I choose to do might not be the right decision, but it’s not a singular decision. It’s one of a rainbow of human decisions that we never thought we would have to make, but are now faced with. I hope one day I look back on these photos and this day and remember mostly the happiness, and feel a sense of pride that we created a moment of joy, a pinhole of light in a dark shroud, when it was otherwise in short supply. But mostly, I cannot wait for the real shindig, when all of our friends and family can all share food and drinks and hug and dance in a big, sweaty, happy circle together.