Nov 17

Nov 17 First Trimester Anxiety, and the ULTIMATE Playlist to Fight Through It

Ah, anxiety - the great equalizer. While some of us (ahem, me) are anxious pretty much round the clock, even the most level-headed of my friends have succumbed at some point during their pregnancies - and usually, in the first trimester. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t had some degree of anxiety from the uncertainty and overwhelming emotions of those first few months, which in fact feel like years. Put simply, it’s just a really scary time no matter how positive and upbeat you usually are. You’re facing millions of racing thoughts about who you are carrying and who you yourself are - and how you’ll probably change completely.

When I first found out I was pregnant, back in May, I instantly thought of everything I had planned for the next few days, months, and years, and realized that was all going to have to change. (That dinner reservation this weekend? Yeah, now I can’t get rosé wasted. That family trip to the Bahamas in a few months? Will I still be able to or want to fly by then? That dress I just ordered online? Better wear it now while it still fits, it may never fit right again.)

Taking a pregnancy test at 4 weeks pregnant on vacation. Not pictured: A piña colada, because I didn’t have any the whole trip.

And those were just the small worries. I also wondered how I will be as a parent, how the heck I am going to be responsible for a little life, when nausea is going to kick in, whether I’m starting to show or am I just bloated, when should I start telling people, and on top of all that, I was worrying like crazy that there might not be a heartbeat at the first ultrasound.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal, around 10 weeks pregnant:

“I can’t help but be worried constantly, of course. I’ve become obsessed with statistics and forums talking about what could/has gone wrong. People are less likely to share the good, easy-peasy pregnancy stories, so when you hear all the horror stories from women across the entire world, it just seems like there is so much doom and gloom and so much that could go wrong - ”

— Journal entry from June 2021

Seriously - the miscarriage anxiety is real, and I know I’m not alone. Women are finally feeling comfortable and safe opening up and sharing their experiences with miscarriage and loss with each other and online, but for me at least, there’s an ironic flip side of something as wonderful as a sisterhood where we can share not only the happy veneer of social media bliss but also our moments of heartbreak, and seek comfort and recognition in each other. The flip side is that with some of the stigma of shame taken away, the newly acceptable conversation about loss sometimes made me feel like not only is miscarriage common, it is an inevitability. Suddenly, the floodgates opened and everyone was posting a story of their experience, and while some were recent, many are remembrances from past years and decades that are only now being shared all at once. The effect is that I felt digitally surrounded by heartbreak and things gone wrong, and it seemed like it was so common that more pregnancies than not ended in miscarriage. In reality, around 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, which isn’t a comfortingly low number, but it still leaves plenty of room for a positive outcome.

Another layer to this is that I myself have had a miscarriage. In that sense, I am beyond grateful that there is so much out there now and so many people and places I can turn to talk to about it, and know that I am not alone or broken, or flawed, or doomed. But while logic and science will say that just because it happened to me once doesn’t mean that it will happen every time, and indeed while I watched some of the people who had opened up about their losses go on to have beautiful, healthy pregnancies and children, it took a lot of work to shake the negative thoughts and fears.

Eventually, the negative thoughts gave way to reason and hopefulness. For example, the last couple sentences of the journal entry I shared above:

“But I keep reminding myself, every single person alive, ever, was once an 8 week old or a 9 week old fetus. Billions of us have survived. My body knows how to make a baby.”

— Journal entry from June 2021

Weeks 9, 11 and 13. Wearing MOTT50 leggings and top.

Instead of the mental gynmastics and calculations I was constantly doing, fixating on all the hurdles and developments my embryo would have to go through to hit the next “safe” milestone (“Let me just get to 6 weeks,” “Okay, we need to make it to 8 weeks,” “Please let me hear a heartbeat at the 10 week ultrasound,” “I won’t be safe until 14 weeks”) , I tried to mentally prepare myself for loving the new baby that I was building. I wanted to stay positive for my little one, whether it stuck around or not because I felt it deserved to live inside a happy mommy, whether for a short time or for the long haul. Most of all, I just wanted to allow myself to get excited about having a baby and becoming a mother, something I’ve thought about since forever, but never really planned for or was even able to imagine until pretty recently. I loved to take long walks with my fur baby, a beautiful red Standard Poodle named Hazel, and listen to upbeat, fun, songs and think about what the future - near and longterm - would be like. Which brings me to…

MY FIRST TRIMESTER PLAYLIST

I gathered a bunch of songs that will keep you positive and upbeat during First Trimester Anxiety, but also keep you concentrating on making that mini, so that it’s on your mind but not consuming you.

LISTEN ON SPOTIFY

I'm going to start with my ultimate fave First Trimester bop, and it’s probably the one on this list that most fits the theme:

Anything Could Happen - Ellie Goulding

First of all, the song’s title is repeated over and over throughout the song, and it always gave me chills. Yes, literally anything could happen, even if I sometimes get super negative and only focus on the worst. There’s another line in the song that she repeats over and over - “I know it’s gunna be, I know it’s gunna be, I know it’s gunna be.” Let that wash over you a little. Whether or not it happens when and how you want, it will be.

Combat Baby - Metric

This song immediately makes my back straighten a little and my chin tilt up. I just love this song because I imagine my baby is going to be a little badass, a little fighter, and a little punk rock. And I love camo.

Nothing’s Gonna to Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex.

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

Baby - Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

Okay, so while the first part of the song is about “making love” under the moonlight (excuse me while I throw up, and I ain’t talking about morning sickness..) The last half of the song is just these lyrics:

Ooh, baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) Ooh, baby You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby (ooh, baby) You're so baby You're so baby Baby Baby Baby (baby) Baby Baby

Child’s Play - SZA ft Chance the Rapper

Just a really, really great song. Trust me. It’s a little broody and heartbroken, but it’s about the child in all of us, and conjures really great imagery, from SZA’s soulful verses about Barbies and video games to Chance’s funny and clever lines.

Baby by Me - 50 Cent

Imagine - getting your baby and getting to be a millionaire. Dream big, bbs. And if you’re a sucker for irony, please remember that he did in fact get someone pregnant, and then declared bankruptcy to avoid paying child support. He’s basically a baby himself - so meta.

Fineshrine - Purity Ring

“You make a fine shrine in me
You build a fine shrine to me.”

Baby Baby - Amy Grant

I generally hate 80s music but this song is too fun, and literally every line applies to waiting for, and then loving, a baby. “Stop for a minute / Baby, I'm so glad you're mine”

Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing - Chris Isaak

“You ever close your eyes you’re making believe your holding the one you’re dreaming of?” Uh, yes literally every day. Also, Chris Isaak is not not hot, so if you’re not pregnant yet, if him at peak 90s hotness doesn’t get you into baby-making mode, what will honestly.

The next two are perfect for gender/sex reveal parties; have your doctor write down the baby’s sex and seal it in an envelope, and entrust a sibling or to BFF open the envelope and play the song that corresponds. SO much better than anything involving pink or blue smoke and a plane, and no one has to get hurt or start a forest fire.

Baby Boy - Beyonce

“Baby boy, you stay on my mind”

Daughter - Loudon Wainwright III

I’ll admit, I first heard this song at the end of Knocked Up and I just love it.

My favorite lyrics?

“Everything she sees / She says she wants / Everything she wants / I see she gets”

And:

“That's my daughter in the water / Everything she knows, I taught her”

An alternative, if you’re having a female and want to keep the Beyonce theme, is “Who Run The World?” (Girls.)

Brooklyn Baby - Lana del Ray

Nothing in this song specifically relates to pregnancy, but it’s just v soothing to listen to Lana del Ray croon “I'm a Brooklyn baby’ a half dozen times.